Am I being stupid?????

[kilbourn]

Am I being stupid????? So me and my BF of 10 months got into a conversation last night about moving in together. Let me tell you this came after there was an attempted breakin/rape (police arent sure) at my house while I was there alone. I asked him to move in with me and he said he wasnt ready and that he didnt know if he would ever be to give up his world (hes been a bachelor for 7 years) That he wanted to just enjoy how amazing our relationship is and that if we moved in toegther it might change. We currently spend 4-6 days a week together at his place or mine, share groceries, vehicles and everything else. I am so upset that even in the face of fear (my part and his)over the event the other night that he is still refusing to let me in...He is emotionally distant, althought physiy and in all other aspects very close and loving. What is he thinking, what should I think???

[royal]

he is thinking that things are perfect (for him) they way they are and he doesn't want to change them. he likes having his space and you having yours (even though they overlap a lot). you should think that combining households with this guy is not a realistic possibility (because he flat-out told you so). if you eventually want a live-in partner, he's not it. even if you were living together the attempted break-in could have happened. it's not a legit reason for doing something as huge as moving in together. how about getting a dog or a security system?

[abie]

Get a big dog. And if you want a BF who will commit to you, get a new BF and let this one go. This guy wants you for for benefits he gets from you, much of which is centered between your legs. He does not want to live together or marry you or be responsible for you. Either accept that. Or move on and find someone else.

[aitken]

Not quite. You're scared and that's OK. I can understand why you wouldn't want to be alone right now but it really seems to me that you were thinking about this move before, now you have a convient excuse. You could get a security system or a dog a lot easier than him moving. I think you're playing the damsel in distress card here. The only person you can rely on, is you. Take up martial arts or get a gun! Now that you know he may not ever move in with someone, is that a red 30692 for you? You obviously want more of a commitment than he does (who knows this MAY change). Are you willing to take the risk and wait for him?

[smock]

I have a dog and a gun I am ok being alone..and yes we have talked or rather tried to talk about this for a few months now..his reponse...I dont want to move in together and have everything get messed up..Its all so perfect right now...I agree it is great but this living day to day, packing overnight bags and planning his house or mine, etc... is old hat. I do want more of a committment and have told him as much, he asks for patience and understanding..I have tried. Now I feel like I have given 150% and he has given 50%. He states he is happy being alone but loves having me as a girlfriend...So many mixed signals, like statements of "wher are going to put the Christmas tree this year? "We need more wood for our house" "OUr truck" etc... and yet when I ask for more from him, lik even being able to talk of the possibility of moving in, he gets defensive and freezes up...

[joachim]

You're rushing things. It's still been less than a year, and you're dealing with a relatively confirmed bachelor. If you're in a hurry to commit and are already calculating exaggerated percentages and getting resentful, this isn't the guy for you.

[tiner]

agreed

[holsapple]

There are no mixed signals. He is telling you straight up he's not ready to live with you. He's not ready to change anything right now and he's being honest about it. If you're not okay with that you might decide to leave. On the other hand, if you keep pushing this, he might decide to leave. It doesn't make him wrong just because he doesn't want what you want right now. And it doesn't make you right.

[hadad]

????!!!! I didn't read this before responding below. x people were banging down your door with a dog barking inside? And, you have a gun? Why didn't you load it and go stand by the window and show it to them? This sounds odder and odder to me.

[villard]

Um, kinda. It's unwise to try to rush him into moving in, just because you're panicked after the break-in. And it's stupid to think that this guy wants to give up his bachelor pad, given his evident stance. No matter how much he likes having you around a lot, he doesn't want to make it official in any hurry. So if your bio-clock is going off, you might just want to reconsider this liaison.

[vahl]

He was honest He is not ready to move in with you. Do you need him to be your hero? Maybe he could help you install a really good security system. you could get a dog. You could get a roommate. I don't think it's fair for you to ask him to give up the lifestyle he enjoys because you fear living alone. If you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy, there is a conversation to be had... unless you are okay with the current arrangement as her is... but, the conversation should not be based on criminals in your neighborhood. It should be based on your relationship and where you each hope for it to go.

[trivett]

We have We have had that conversation and he swears that I am "the one" for him and that there is no other woman who could possibly make him as happy and content as I do. We get along so well in everything, our quircks, our desires, our goals, our needs...he has been burned before I know that but havent we all...I know I love him, but without movement forward in any way I can't sit and wait forever and have things just be the way they are now...